As I lay here in this lovely bed with bubba in her porta cot – I can’t stop crying.
Nothing is wrong that I know of but it goes way deeper than that.
I feel PNA is the release I physically need to deal with the fact I’m a solo mumma.
My best friend said you need a cry break if you can’t tell your parents you need this say you are going fir a shower or to the toilet. The more you release the sadness every morning the better mumma you can be for bubba.
I have such loving support from my parents and my sister at the moment however nothing subsides the sadness that her father wanted no involvement….
I look at her loving and cheeky lil face and dread the moment she asks where is my dad?
I will deal with it when I come to it and hopefully will be a lot stronger by then.
Coming to Melbourne and meeting family and doing all the things I did as a child just makes it all that more clear – I’m on my own for the long haul.
On the flip side my family wouldn’t have as much involvement or time with her if I had a loving partner by my side in this.
It’s so lovely to see my parents with her and I’ll never get these baby moments back.
Still I need to be gentle with myself and if I need to cry I need to release and let it out.
I’m now seeing a psychologist who says acceptance is key and also to give myself time there has been so much adjustment in such a short time that I need to process it all.
Within 2 years I separated from my husband ( we had tried for 4 years to fall pregnant ), a year later met someone and fell pregnant instantly ( he didn’t want to be a father ), left my home of Sydney at 8 months pregnant to move to the Gold Coast and 1 month later had beautiful Mirabelle.
What a 2 years it has been – whirlwind is an understatement. You are my greatest achievement bubba and till you utter those words I will release all of this sadness and be the strong mumma you picked me for.
I am and will be enough for you that I promise you.
Love you my lil darling
Lots of love to all who read this love M & M
p.s Please excuse the non pretty pics just wanted to be raw & real